If I Lose Myself
by LadyLocket
Summary: "He's real Kagami-kun." He knows Akashi's real. He wasn't a hallucination, Akashi Seijuuro is real... ...It's just that everyone else thinks so otherwise. AU. schizophrenic!Kuroko. AkaKuro


**Title:** If I Lose Myself

_**Pairing:**_ AkaKuro

**_Rating:_** M

_**Summary:**_"He's real Kagami-kun." He knows Akashi's real. He wasn't a hallucination, Akashi Seijuuro is real...

...It's just that everyone else thinks so otherwise.

**_Warnings:_**Mental disorders, minor character death.

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><p><strong>[Chapter 1: Chemically Imbalanced] <strong>

"How are you feeling today Kuroko-kun?" There's a woman seated in front of him, brown hair cut short framing her small face, her bangs clipped away by two bobby pins. A small professional smile adorned her face as she looked at the man across from him.

Kuroko Tetsuya stared at her with a look of indifference. His eyes were staring blankly at her, void of any emotions.

"I'm fine," He replied honestly, "The new prescription seems to be working Aida-san, thank you."

"It's part of the job," She mused. She tucked a small strand of her brown hair behind her ear, "I'm very glad that it's working then. How about you tell me about what happened to you this week?"

There was a contemplative look on his face.

"Well Aida-san," He started, staring at her brown eyes intensely, "I met someone the other day."

.-.-.-.-.

When Kuroko Tetsuya was thirteen years old he had a childhood friend named Ogiwara Shigehiro.

If Kuroko could describe Ogiwara in one word, Ogiwara was the sun. Shige, as he liked to call his brown haired friend, was as bright the sun itself. When he smiled, his surrounding seemed to brighten with it. Shige was optimistic, he looked at the world like it was full of opportunities. He loved basketball and often played with Kuroko when they had the time. Which was almost everyday.

Often times, Ogiwara would meet Kuroko at the court to play basketball with him. Then, they would head to the convenience store to buy some icies after.

Ogiwara was the person that Kuroko turned to when he was upset. When no one could see Kuroko, Ogiwara was there to consult and comfort him.

When Kuroko was happy, Ogiwara was there to share the smiles with him.

When Kuroko got scared Ogiwara was there to protect.

Ogiwara was his everything. He was such an important factor in Kuroko's life. If there was Ogiwara, there would always be a Kuroko. They moved together. They were always with each other.

…Then everything fell.

It was like any summer day, he and Ogiwara were walking back from the basketball court to their usual stop―the convenience store, before they parted for their homes.

"You were amazing today Kuroko!" Ogiwara exclaimed smiling widely, "I can't wait for tomorrow! It's going to be awesome! Playing with you is always the best!"

Kuroko was fiddling with the basketball in his hand, bashful at his friend's compliments towards him, "I-I'm not nearly as good as you, Shige-kun." Kuroko commented with his usual monotone voice.

"Nah! Don't say that Kuroko!" The boy wound his arm around Kuroko's shoulders, "You're totally going to be a great player!"

He then ran off a few steps ahead stopping near the stoplight. Ogiwara jumped into the air and held his fist up, "You hear that world? Me and Kuroko are going to be the best players in Japan!"

Ogiwara, with his brown hair and eyes shinning with the reflection of the sun, turned back towards Kuroko. That smile was infectious that thirteen year old Kuroko found himself smiling with his best friend's declaration.

"We'll be the best in Japan," The sky-blue haired teen agreed.

"Un!" Shige nodded.

The stoplight turned green, flashing the words "WALK". The two of them stepped forward with their tiny strides.

Shige was a few steps away from him when it happened.

They were talking about being number one and the next moment there's a deadly blue car that whizzed by hitting Ogiwara.

The car didn't stop, it continued on it's way leaving a bloody thirteen year old in it's wake.

Kuroko screamed bloody murder as he watched his friend's body slam on the pavement with the impact.

He ran towards his bloodied friend, calling someone to help him. Someone to help Shige.

There was blood everywhere. His shirt that was once white seeped with the deep red of Shigehiro's blood. The pavement marked with his red, flowing, flowing, and there was no sign of stopping.

"HELP!" He screamed. Anyone. Help.

The people around him stared. Some even whispering at the sight of the two boys.

"Someone help!" He screamed, his throat was raw. His tears endlessly flowing, this throat constricted like he couldn't breathe. He held onto Ogiwara's lifeless body.

"No, Shige-kun please wake up!" He pleaded to the boy, "PLEASE SOMEONE HELP!"

Kuroko was frustrated. Why was no one coming? Did they not see Ogiwara's body? Did they not see the bloodied body of an innocent boy? Why was no one calling the police? Why were they just staring at him? Why were they whispering? Help. Help. Help him. Help Ogiwara. Help my friend.

He was screaming for someone when a woman that approached him, reluctant to go even near him. Someone with blonde hair and blue eyes, on her face was red-rimmed glasses. Despite her reluctance, her eyes showed pity. For who? Kuroko hadn't the idea. He was just thankful that someone came. Someone was going to help him.

"Sweetie," She said with a calming voice.

Someone was going to help Ogiwara.

"Sweetie," Her hands were on his face making look at her cerulean eyes.

Someone was going to help.

"Listen to me," She said.

He tightened his grip on Ogiwara's already cold body.

This lady, Kuroko thought hopeful, would call the ambulance. They were going to get Ogiwara at a hospital. They were going to keep Ogiwara alive. He and Ogiwara were going to be number one in Japan. They were going to play basketball together―

"There's no one there."

.-.-.-.-.

In his arms what the remain's of his dead best friend, bloodied and broken, but instead of taking Ogiwara, they took him, they lifted him of the pavement, carefully, gently. Cooing him, telling him that they were going to take care of him, that he was going to be alright. There was no need to cry.

But he couldn't understand.

"Why are you taking me?!" He exclaimed hysterical, his voice hoarse from the amount of shouting he's done.

He struggled to get his arms free. He didn't need the help. Ogiwara needed the help.

He was right there.

Right in front of them.

He was real.

Ogiwara was real.

**Ogiwara Shigehiro was real.**

And they were leaving him to die.

"He's real," The sky blue haired teen sobbed, "Please help him."

"We'll do everything we can."

Somehow, that didn't feel reassuring at all.

.-.-.-.-.

Kuroko Tetsuya was diagnosed with a mental disorder called Schizophrenia when he was thirteen.

A chemical imbalance in the brain that causes hallucinations of people, animals, or even objects. The patient would be unable to distinguish what was reality and what would be false.

Kuroko Tetsuya had hallucinated his best friend.

There was no Ogiwara Shigehiro in the real world.

Only in his.

Only in his mind.

Only in Kuroko's mind.

Sometimes, Kuroko thinks that it'd be better if he slept forever. That way, he wouldn't have to distinguish what was real or not. He wouldn't get disappointed when he'd find out his first love was a figment of his imagination. That his best friend was only in his mind.

What was real?

What wasn't?

.-.-.-.-.

There's pills lined up on his counter. Pale hands open the cap and tilted the orange container to his hand, giving it a good shake for a yellow and blue coloured pill to come out. With his index and thumb finger, he placed the drug in his mouth, grabbing the cup of water beside him, he downed it in one go.

With small strides, he walked towards the bathroom. In front of him was a mirror that reflected himself.

"What is reality?" He asks.

Today, there were no voices that answered him.

He was grateful.

.-.-.-.-.

**[Chapter 2: I See Fire]**

.-.-.-.-.

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><p>AN: Ah hello, I haven't written for almost a year now, *laughs* I shouldn't be posting new stories (since Colourful Chaos and Infinitesimal are still on-going) but this story was just nagging me. Anyways this wouldn't be a long lasting fanfiction. Probaly 5 chapters a best. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this! *laughs* I hope you guys have a wonderful day/night!


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